“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
BRAKING NEWS!!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Worth the read.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.