Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Friday night party time 🥳
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…