I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’M CRYINGGG
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.