I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot