Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
screw you
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.