Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying