Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector