Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.