me as a parent
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome