@robfee: I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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@beefman138: I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
@lecalabara: Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@DaddyJew: [lunch break] Gf: I have 30min Me: you thinking what im thinking? Gf: oh yea *starts undressing Me: *googles closest laser tag location