@cheeky__gal: I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can't tell because I'm eating Doritos.
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@SondraDeeMe: If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she's high maintenance.
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@rolldiggity: 1. Tattoo "I'M WATCHING YOU" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him