I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”