I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?