LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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Realize this:
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.