When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
favorite tropes as memes
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?