I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
lmfao
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.