@cjwerleman: I think the only thing Fox News hasn't yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson's bullets. #ferguson
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@_ElvishPresley_: *birds dress Cinderella for school* *gets to school, goes into bathroom* *buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
@ryan9billion: I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@itsthatAsh: Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like "Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."