@cjwerleman: I think the only thing Fox News hasn't yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson's bullets. #ferguson
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@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em. 2) Know when to fold em. 3) Know when to walk away. 4) Know when to run.
@cool_as_heck: OBAMA: your resume says you think of the "best nicknames?" ME: that's right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns* OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
@riverpig12: Cats get a pass bc they're "Cleaning themselves". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!