Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application