exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is