I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.