I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
You Might Also Like
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
stop
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.