I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
This meeting could have been a cake
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*me flirting
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family