doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao