me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?