[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
You Might Also Like
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*