@l1zerd: I think there should be a small amount of weed in every first aid kit.
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@SteveInevitable: While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
@MadamBetteNoire: Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
@Home_Halfway: I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this