“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
emergency phone
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.