“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six