“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
consequences, the bane of my existence
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.