Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Lmfaoooooo
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?