@3sunzzz: "I think this ice cream is spoiled."
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
@KimmyMonte: *forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
@hippieswordfish: ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
@paulrobalino: Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
@KentWGraham: Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
@chuuew: 8y/o: What's sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn't know. Pay up