I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.