I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
this post was so formative to me
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*