I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
kids play hide and seek like
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.