I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
birds and squirrels envy us
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.