I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
You Might Also Like
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.