I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Yup.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake