I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.