*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why is this me 😫
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out