Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Found the job I’m suited for
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color