they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.