@AlbertBrooks: I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@thatUPSdude: Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokémon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police" me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"