I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.