I think we should hear other voices.
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Bloody internet 😳
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
everyone’s a critic
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three