“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead