“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
good work, everybody
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I am all good here, 😂😉
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.