“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub