“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.