Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.