@Fruit_Slinger: I think weed is messing with my memory. I can't remember shit anymore! I think it's because weed is messing with my memory.
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@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why should we hire you for our research team?" Me: "I went to the second page on a Google search once."
@Midlifecrisis18: Sex in your 40's: (Position change) * CRRRACK * Her: Was that me or you? Me: Just go with it, we'll assess injuries later.
@Jerrypleasure: Me: *gives fiancé a diamond necklace* Fiancé: OMG babe, I also want to go for a road trip Me: Get in the car Fiancé: But that's a police car Me: You’re already wearing a stolen jewelry