I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Covid like
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things