I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I am, perchance
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.