Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Not recommended for beginners.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”